Michael and I have been married for almost 7 years, and for the past month we have definitely been in a "lovey dovey" Honeymoon Mode, really enjoying each other's company, laughing a lot every day, and barely getting into any disagreements. And this is all while being far from home with our 8 month old daughter, Emma, in the hospital in Michigan. Overall things have definitely been the best in our marriage over the past two years since we started trying to have a baby around Christmas 2015. I know a baby can sometimes hurt a marriage or make things more difficult, so don't use that as a tip from us. However, we have talked several times about how we should write a book because sometimes being married seems sooo easy and really just like hanging out with your best friend all day, for your whole life!! But for now a very long blog post will do. ;)
For us some of the main things fall under these categories:
*Patience (Michael is much better at that one)
*Communication/ Bids
*Honesty = Trust
*Knowing Yourself and Understanding Love Languages
*Pick Your Battles
Michael follows a few different pages with "fun facts" and likes to read some of his favorites out loud to me. One he read the other day was about how in Transylvania, Romania there was a church with a "divorce room". Any couples who wanted a divorce had to live together in that room for two weeks. It only had one small bed, one chair, one table, one plate, and one spoon. In 300 years, only one couple still wanted to get divorced after their time in the room together. I thought that was a really great and interesting idea.
Bids: The part about him reading that info to me is called "a bid". I read an article recently about a bid study. We give bids to people all day. Most of them start with Michael reading me a random fact, or laughing then turning his phone towards me to watch the video he just watched. Anything that has an underlying meaning of "I think this is interesting/ funny and I would like to share it with you because you might like it too and I enjoy when we laugh together/ have something in common." The article I read did a study with a certain amount of couples. (If I can find the article again, I will add the link.) The couples who accepted or replied positively to their spouses bids at least 66% of the time had a stronger likelihood of staying married and making each other happy. The other couples ignored the bid or did not show interest, causing the bidder to feel alone. So one thing I have started to work on or pay attention to is when Michael is talking. If it is something that I believe he wants me to listen to, I will turn towards him or look up and listen, and he does the same. That has been working well for us.
Other times our phones get in the way of paying attention, and I would say "okay" or some type of response to let him know I was listening even though I was not. Usually I would go back to him later, asking him to repeat it, in case it was important or something he needed me to do. When I was the one talking and he didn't listen because he was watching another Fail video on YouTube, I would put my hands on his face and lift his head to make sure he was looking at me before I told him the important reminder. Because of this issue with always being on our phones and distracting us from each other, I eventually (maybe a year and a half ago?) stopped bringing my phone when we went on dates. And three months ago we started "Amish Time", which is when one of us walks into the room and says, "Amish time!" This is a bid for the other person to put their phone away (preferably in another room) and we spend the next hour or however long just talking and laughing about whatever. These end up being nice times, especially if we're snuggling in bed, maybe we even throw in a little bit of kissing. ;)
I'm not going to write a sex paragraph, although that's very important too! But I have noticed myself being counter intuitive in the past, for example: Michael asks, "So would you like to do anything tonight?" *obvious winks* I reply, "I can't right now. I'm reading this book about how to have a better marriage." When I hear myself say that out loud my conscience slaps my brain. I throw the book aside and quickly change my answer, "Yes, I do!" And that brings me to the topic entitled Don't Be Lazy!!
This is my biggest personal problem. Michael might say it's something else, like how terrible I am about interrupting while he talks and I don't even notice. Dang it. But a lot of my complaining (when he asks me to do chores/ yard work) comes from the fact that I just don't like doing chores. I know I need to so our house looks nice, but I didn't like doing them growing up when my parents told me to vacuum, dust, clean the bathroom and pick up pine cones, and I don't really like doing those chores now. Even though -like in everything- you always feel much better and productive or accomplished after its done. Usually when he asks me to do chores (and he does them half of the time too, okay maybe 60%?), it's because I recently sat down to watch my show and was planning to have a mini marathon, aka being lazy. Obviously watching TV or Netflix is not important, but sometimes it is nice. But since we have been in Michigan for the past two months, we canceled our Internet and Netflix. We haven't had cable since 2014 and that has been fine for us. There are so many better things to do with our time now, especially since we have a sweet baby.
Michael follows a few different pages with "fun facts" and likes to read some of his favorites out loud to me. One he read the other day was about how in Transylvania, Romania there was a church with a "divorce room". Any couples who wanted a divorce had to live together in that room for two weeks. It only had one small bed, one chair, one table, one plate, and one spoon. In 300 years, only one couple still wanted to get divorced after their time in the room together. I thought that was a really great and interesting idea.
Bids: The part about him reading that info to me is called "a bid". I read an article recently about a bid study. We give bids to people all day. Most of them start with Michael reading me a random fact, or laughing then turning his phone towards me to watch the video he just watched. Anything that has an underlying meaning of "I think this is interesting/ funny and I would like to share it with you because you might like it too and I enjoy when we laugh together/ have something in common." The article I read did a study with a certain amount of couples. (If I can find the article again, I will add the link.) The couples who accepted or replied positively to their spouses bids at least 66% of the time had a stronger likelihood of staying married and making each other happy. The other couples ignored the bid or did not show interest, causing the bidder to feel alone. So one thing I have started to work on or pay attention to is when Michael is talking. If it is something that I believe he wants me to listen to, I will turn towards him or look up and listen, and he does the same. That has been working well for us.
Other times our phones get in the way of paying attention, and I would say "okay" or some type of response to let him know I was listening even though I was not. Usually I would go back to him later, asking him to repeat it, in case it was important or something he needed me to do. When I was the one talking and he didn't listen because he was watching another Fail video on YouTube, I would put my hands on his face and lift his head to make sure he was looking at me before I told him the important reminder. Because of this issue with always being on our phones and distracting us from each other, I eventually (maybe a year and a half ago?) stopped bringing my phone when we went on dates. And three months ago we started "Amish Time", which is when one of us walks into the room and says, "Amish time!" This is a bid for the other person to put their phone away (preferably in another room) and we spend the next hour or however long just talking and laughing about whatever. These end up being nice times, especially if we're snuggling in bed, maybe we even throw in a little bit of kissing. ;)
I'm not going to write a sex paragraph, although that's very important too! But I have noticed myself being counter intuitive in the past, for example: Michael asks, "So would you like to do anything tonight?" *obvious winks* I reply, "I can't right now. I'm reading this book about how to have a better marriage." When I hear myself say that out loud my conscience slaps my brain. I throw the book aside and quickly change my answer, "Yes, I do!" And that brings me to the topic entitled Don't Be Lazy!!
This is my biggest personal problem. Michael might say it's something else, like how terrible I am about interrupting while he talks and I don't even notice. Dang it. But a lot of my complaining (when he asks me to do chores/ yard work) comes from the fact that I just don't like doing chores. I know I need to so our house looks nice, but I didn't like doing them growing up when my parents told me to vacuum, dust, clean the bathroom and pick up pine cones, and I don't really like doing those chores now. Even though -like in everything- you always feel much better and productive or accomplished after its done. Usually when he asks me to do chores (and he does them half of the time too, okay maybe 60%?), it's because I recently sat down to watch my show and was planning to have a mini marathon, aka being lazy. Obviously watching TV or Netflix is not important, but sometimes it is nice. But since we have been in Michigan for the past two months, we canceled our Internet and Netflix. We haven't had cable since 2014 and that has been fine for us. There are so many better things to do with our time now, especially since we have a sweet baby.
Patience: I believe a huge chunk of why our marriage is so good is because Michael is such a patient man. His advice is, "Being patient is not easy. It is something you have to work at. I know Rachel takes a while to get ready in the morning, or if she says she is ready, it really means she still needs to brush her hair, go to the bathroom, and put her shoes on. So instead of getting cranky about her not really being ready when she says she is, I try not to be cranky because that could ruin the day." One thing he often tells me to do is to go with the flow. It is easier for him, but since I have such a Planner Brain, I picture how the whole day will go and when something goes wrong or changes, I get cranky. There are some days I wake up and I tell myself that I will go with the flow, since we don't have very much control over what happens or what other people do. On the days I go with the flow, my day tends to be better because I did not have expectations. I do control the things I can like whether I go for a walk that day, or what I decide to eat and what clothes to wear.
Communication: This is probably the biggest topic, a lot to talk about in the talking category. :) I think it is best to talk about EVERYTHING. You are supposed to marry your best friend, so this should make you happy and feel so comfortable to tell them everything, and ask them anything. A lot of mornings Michael asks me what my dream was about while I was sleeping, or he will just start telling me about the one he had. We tell each other "I love you" probably 30 times a day. Sometimes we say it because the other person just told us something sweet or special. Other times we say it to fill the space if we are both on our phones and not talking, or we say it as we walk through the house. If I'm just sitting there staring off (this mostly happens while we're driving somewhere), he will ask me what I'm thinking about. Other times I ask random things like, "How was your poop?" For real. That's more to be silly, but also to show him that I care about everything he does.
My mom liked to use the phrase, "He can't read your mind," and then later said she wished that my dad could read her mind. I watched my parents have a conversation a year or two ago, me being married for a handful of years and understanding what tones actually meant. From what I remember, my mom asked my dad if he wanted to do something, and he said no. I can't remember what is was now, but we'll say she asked, "Do you want to open the windows because it feels nice outside?" My dad said no. Then I translated for him, saying, "By her asking that, she actually meant she wanted you to do it." So we should just be more precise about what we mean. Why do we beat around the bush? It can be confusing and wastes our own energy. We always hope the other person will say yes! When was the last time you asked your best friend to hang out and then were relieved when they said they were busy? Maybe never! Take away the "Do you want to" and say "Please" instead. Michael's example would be to say to me, "Please go to Lowes/ Homes Depot with me". Asking it in question form, gives people a yes or no option. Of course the person being asked could still say no, but at least then the asker's intentions are understood. "Please walk to the store with me because I love when we spend extra time together and we can hold hands." One kind of sarcastic quote that I like from The Office that Kelly says is, "What kind of person tells you exactly what they are thinking? What kind of game is that?" No game. It's what we should all do.
Another important thing is to be open and honest. None of this "I'm fine!" garbage, in and upset or angry tone. The person asking was trying to be nice, let them be nice, because if you say I'm fine enough times, they may stop asking. I am so lucky to have a husband who "pushes me" to tell him what is wrong so he can either let me vent or help fix the problem. I love that if I tell him I'm fine, he gives me a look, and a few years ago I would even say "I'm fine" again just because I didn't feel like talking about it, but holding the anger in never made me feel better. A year or so ago I think he told me something like, "You know that if I ask you what's wrong four times you will eventually tell me, so how about we just skip to that part so we aren't wasting time." His bluntness made me laugh because he was so right. I love that he knows me so well. So now when he asks me what is wrong, I tell him. One night I complained that every time he asks me what is wrong, it's always about the same stuff. Stress about our baby still being in the hospital/ us not eating healthy/ wasting money/ wish I was exercising more/ spending too much of my life scrolling through negative Facebook posts, etc. Michael told me that he always likes me telling him what's wrong because he likes me confiding in him. Awww.
Do not waste your time asking your friends why your spouse is upset with you or what they think you can do to be a better spouse, etc. I have done this far too many times in our early marriage years. The person who will always have the best answer is that person. Only Michael (and myself) knows what I can do to be a better wife. Only Michael knows why he is upset or anything else. One thing that happened a few years ago, back when we argued more, was that Michael would ask his friends (who are all unmarried, or divorced) what he should do about all our arguing. They were quick to suggest that we should get divorced. Thankfully Michael definitely knew that was not the right answer. We have never been to counseling, but we did attend a Marriage Encounter weekend (before our second anniversary when we were still marriage newbs). That helped a lot because they gave us a booklet of questions to ask each other and get to know each other better, so we learned several new and important things.
Know Yourself: Let's be honest, a good portion of the reasons we are upset does not have anything to do with our spouse. It is because there was traffic, or we got in trouble at work and it was a long day, we are tired or hungry, or usually in my case, it is because my pants are too tight and I feel gross. So obviously in my example, I am just mad at my current situation. So sometimes you just need to dig in to the little kid part of your brain and continue to ask yourself "why, why, why"? All the way down until you get to the root of the problem. When I saw the movie La La Land (***SPOILER***) it made me so sad that they broke up when the whole root of the problem was that they simply missed each other. It made them sad that their jobs kept them apart longer than they liked, but they were having the argument while they were in their apartment together. I have done that in the past, but it is something I try to avoid now: Don't complain about how you don't spend enough time together while you are together! Obviously it is important to discuss and plan date nights, but enjoy the time you have together and talk about nice things, such as how you fell in love. That is one of my favorite things to talk about with Michael, plus imagining all the fun things we will do with Emma when she finally gets out of the hospital. I love him telling people how we met, the first time we held hands, talking about his proposal, and our wedding. It definitely floods all those sappy, flirty memories back into our brains and hearts.
One thing I have learned about myself over the years is that I DO need to go to bed angry. I know a popular tip is "Never go to bed angry", and Michael agrees with that instead of my tip, so it depends on what type of person you are. I used to always just walk (or drive) away from an argument, but after we actually had a discussion about the "best way" to argue, I learned that Michael feels better talking everything out. So instead of me walking away or slamming doors like an immature teenager, I sit there with an angry face and listen. So after doing that, I go to bed maybe still upset, BUT in the morning I realize that I just needed sleep and realize that the thing I was mad about really wasn't a big deal. I get mad about dumb, little things. I am always glad about keeping my mouth shut instead of continuing to argue because I am an "exploder" and tend to yell really rude things that I don't actually mean, it's just to throw an insult back. But Michael does not forget the things I say.
Love Languages: The five love languages are Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, and Quality Time. I believe Words of Affirmation is my number one (there are a few quizzes online if you want to check your order) because I love compliments. I love Michael telling me I am beautiful, that he likes my outfit or makeup, that I am a great writer, and a great mom and wife. I love when he looks through my scrapbooks and tells me how great I am at putting them together. I love when I clean the house and texts me saying, "Your the best!" Yes, he always writes your instead of you're and it drives me crazy, but I love the compliment.
Michael's Love Language is Acts of Service. He often asks me to do favors for him, like to do his laundry on my day off when he has to work. But we tend to also "give" others our language. So I often think that Michael will be happiest if I give him compliments, so I do, but it is important to know and remember what your spouse's love language is. Michael does so many acts of service (favors) for me, from little things like getting my drink when we go to Panera, to picking up my cousins from the airport when I didn't feel good. And lately he has done so many for me, that I am constantly asking if he needs me to do anything for him, even if it's making his coffee in the morning, or running errands for him to pick up his favorite face wash. The other night he asked me to refill his water bottle, but then said, "Never mind, you don't have to. You've done so much for me lately." To which I replied that I was doing so much for him to make up for everything he does for me! And then I filled up his water bottle. :)
Honesty = Trust: When we were in college for two years, Michael often said that he didn't like me hanging out with other guys and often wanted to know where I was and who I was with, although we were together 90% of the time. For a while I didn't mind, but then it started to feel controlling, especially not letting me even talk to other guys, but what it came down to was he wanted to make sure that I wasn't going to start liking someone else or that other guys weren't flirting with me. One time we even broke up for two weeks because I never felt "free". So when we got back together (we continued flirting with each other during those two weeks), I told him how much I loved him, but that he needed to chill. Later on, after we were married, when he still wanted to know every time I got to work and every time I was leaving work or running errands, I talked to my mom about how it annoyed me. She explained that it was probably because he loved me so much that he just wanted to make sure that I was safe. I later asked him about it and he said the same thing. It made me feel better (especially since I work answering 911 calls and the callers rarely know where the person works or where they were last). And since then I have not minded telling him where I am and when I'll be home. Sometimes now he forgets to tell me when he is leaving from work and I worry about him if he is not home by his normal time. I also think a lot of people feel like they are being "controlled" or kept tabs of, and the main reason it bothers them is because they are lying. Even if I have a surprise for Michael that he is not expecting, I can't help but act weird. Obviously lying because of cheating or doing something else wrong is different from trying not to spoil a fun surprise, but I think that is the main reason people don't like telling someone where they are.
Pick Your Battles: Do yourself a favor and read the book "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***" by Mark Manson, or at least the article he has on his website (MarkManson.net). It is about how offended we get and how much emotion we put into things that aren't important. I read the whole article, but not the whole book, just enough to get the point and feel better about rationing my emotions. There are lots of things in each day that we could get mad about, either at our spouse or another person or ourselves, but if we save our emotions for a few top things that we really care about, we will be a lot more chill and not start so many stupid fights. Some things are never changing and we need to learn to accept them about the other person. For me, since before Michael met me, I am basically obsessed with being healthy and losing weight, while he is the opposite and is not a fan of exercise. Of course I still ask Michael to go on walks with me on weekends or after work, but instead of always getting mad at him, I just expect him to say "no", that way I'm not really disappointed. Sometimes he does say yes and that's super wonderful! I will always say "no" when he asks me to go to Halloween Horror Nights at Universal each year, even though I did go a few months into our relationship (October 2009). But now that I am positive that I don't like it, that is something that I will not change my mind about, and he knows that. I actually just asked him on a scale from 1 to 10 how much it bothers him that I won't go to Halloween Horror Nights and he said zero!! Phew! :)
I would love to write a full Money category, but since we have received such generous "donations" over the years (from Michael's parents), we definitely have more money in savings than we would if they did not want to help us as they do. We would definitely have zero money in savings now though with how much Emma's hospital bills have cost this far, even after insurance deducts a whole bunch. So I feel like I cannot write a fair paragraph about it. However, I still suggest, and I'm sure Dave Ramsey would agree with me ~ put as much money into a savings account as you can. Michael is big on living life, rather than eating rice and beans every day just to have money in savings. And I agree with him. We definitely splurge when we want to (we fully paid for our week long Babymoon last April before Emma was born), but we are also good at setting goals and will stay on a budget when we decide that we have been spending too much or want to get our savings back to a "safer" amount. During our whole marriage I have always stressed about money. I freak out and tell Michael that we won't have enough to pay all of the bills, when in reality I mean "we won't have enough money to pay the bills without taking money out of savings." And also "Why did we think it was a smart idea to go to Olive Garden three times last week?!" We have a lot in savings, so obviously we're always more than fine, and I need to learn to chill out on that level. It is all about balance.
Figure out what you fight about most and then talk about how you can reduce that. If you argue about not being able to pay bills, and you barely have any savings, maybe having another baby is not a great idea. Making sacrifices is not a bad thing. You don't need cable, or the Internet. We don't need to go out to each three times a week just because we are too lazy to get groceries. **Be responsible, say what you mean, be nice, keep dating each other, and hold hands.** That is basically the whole point of this post. Don't make things more difficult than they need to be. Michael says I am great at that. He is so right, but I wish I wasn't, so I really try to go with the flow and let God take care of what we have no control over. Also don't get offended so easily. Michael loves to do impressions of me. I could get offended and mad, but they are so accurate and hilarious, and it helps me see through his eyes how dramatic I can be. Now I like when he does impressions of me because I know I'll always get a good laugh from it!
Side bar: I know both people have to want to change and better themselves. And being in an abusive relationship is not healthy, nor is living with someone who has substance abuse problems. I understand that some people need to get divorced in order to be safe, although some of them probably should not have gotten married in the first place, especially if there were several warning signs while dating. But I think having a 50% divorce rate is waaay too high. My post is simply to explain how Michael and I have figured out over the years to have an easy/ fun/ terrific marriage. Maybe I'll write another one in another seven years if we have learned more by then!
