A New Diagnosis

 BPD and Self-Sabotage

I learned a few weeks ago that I most likely have Borderline Personality Disorder. “An illness marked by an ongoing pattern of varying moods, self-image, and behavior. These symptoms often result in impulsive actions and problems in relationships. People with borderline personality disorder may experience intense episodes of anger, depression, and anxiety that can last from a few hours to days.”

I always thought or at least refereed to it as being bi-polar, but I don’t have that because it runs in families and I don’t know anyone who has had it. Plus, after watching Shameless, and one of the characters (Ian) having it, I realized I was not like that; It didn’t have to do with intense rage outbursts. Bi-polar consists of being really “up” and hyper for weeks at a time, and then suddenly not being able to get out of bed for several days. That is not how I am. 

This BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) diagnosis was given to me by a psychologist via a company that was recommended by our marriage therapist. The psychiatrist who prescribed meds (Seroquel, luckily they take insurance so it was free) could only tell that I have a mood disorder, but she wasn’t sure which one, hence needing me to talk to the psychologist/ counselor. I talked to him four times, but then cancelled it this week because he told me that he does not specialize in BPD. The Seroquel and other anxiety meds I got never seemed to make a difference, and Michael and I both felt like I was actually more agitated while on them, so I let the doctor know and then stopped taking those after three weeks. Unfortunately, BPD is something that has to be controlled by myself and there is not a quick fix with medicine for it. The best results come with practice of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, “which teaches four core skills: Mindfulness(I really need this because I rarely focus on the present moment unless I’m at work and keeping busy), distress tolerance, interpersonal effectiveness,andemotion regulation(another big one I need to stop blowing every situation out of proportion).” There is a workbook that I feel like I need, but I am really not big into reading and only stick with journaling for a few days. But 22 bucks seems like a fair price to get my emotional garbage under control for the rest of my life and have a good marriage and a calm, happy life. 

Today I was thinking about how I self-sabotage in life and am constantly making things way (waaaaay) more difficult than they need to be. I stress and worry about sooooo much, usually regarding the distant future, including retirement, and I’m only 33 years old! I’ve got a good 25+ years before cashing in my well-earned checks. Then I looked up and found that it is one of the characteristics of BPD. Makes sense!

 

Main ways I notice that I self- sabotage:

1.    Eating: When I get to a good weight, instead of continuing working hard to keep my body looking great and healthy, my brain tells me that it is now a really good time to go back to eating unhealthy stuff, and to eat a lot of it. I am between 113 and 115 pounds right now, with a goal of being 107 by Christmas, but I’ll never reach that goal if I continue to self-sabotage and literally feedinto the bad advice of my brain and taste buds, and eat a(nother) full box of Frosted Flakes within 24 hours!! Even when I feel like I have control of my weight loss progress, I still feel so… overtaken? Unhealthy eating is definitely a trigger to my BPD, but it’s hard to stop. It is super unrealistic to think that I’ll never eat chips and queso, or pizza and ice cream ever again even though “I could finally be happy” because my brain tells me that eating those foods makes me happy too, and they really do. Michael knows how excited I get each time we order food for delivery or pick up something for a home date. (And we do have 3 upcoming “home dates” planned!) Even if the surge of happiness only lasts in that hour before the food fully digests and my stomach hurts and the guilt sinks in and I weigh myself again. Then none of it felt worth it. That applies more to eating alone (see next paragraph). Nice dates are always worth it. 

2.    Finances: Not that I do anything really bad or impulsive like spending tonsof money, (although earlier this year I spent $200 in April aloneon Pizza Hut delivery just for myself, on days Michael was at work, back when I weighed 135 pounds, but now we are on a budget again so I can’t/ have my priorities more in order) but I put way too much stress on the importance of money.. Thinking things like, “I can’t go home sick or call out of work because we need the money! Also how we will pay our bills in four yearswhen Emma’s medical bills are no longer covered? And how much do we need to save for a second car (I’d want a used car) in two years when/if Emma goes to school? (Michael feels adamant about home schooling her. Less worry about germs or unqualified nurses taking care of her, people who don’t know how to put a trach back in or have any ventilator or G-tube knowledge, etc.) And how quickly can we save that amount?” When I already stress about money how it is now, being able to put some money back into Savings and the Roth IRA that I opened with my dad in June, why I am I eager to get to the years where we could possibly end up in financial struggle? Michael says my favorite word is “responsibility”, and he’s not wrong, but we can still be 90% responsible with financial help, right? Even if we get that super fricken generous help (I call it our “second insurance”) for the rest of our lives?!

3.    Marriage: I feel like I purposely push Michael away. I have had times where I am screaming at him about getting a divorce, but in my mind, all I am picturing is how bad I want to be lying in bed with him holding me because that’s what I really want and need. He has said in the past few months that he doesn’t know how much more verbal abuse he can take. So am I purposely pushing him away to “get it over with”? That way then I’m in control of the relationship? It really seems to be that way. I did that back around the time we had been dating for 3 months, Fall 2009. I was waiting for him to get tired of me. I had not had a boyfriend longer than 3 months before. I assumed it was my expiration date, but instead of leaving when I yelled at him and proceeded to lock myself in my apartment bedroom like a 14 year old girl, he baked me a cookie in the shape of a heart!!!! That is a terrific photo to describe our relationship. I have made huge sacrifices for him too though (California), so I’m not all bad. ;)

4.    Overthinking: I was even stressing the other night about the recycling bin. Asking Michael to break down the four boxes we just got delivered that were still filled with Emma’s monthly medical supplies so the bin wouldn’t get too full later. Like seriously!? Of all the things to stress about.. & I got way too stressed about the “promise” I made for Emma’s virtual birthday party in June, which then led to me getting cranky on her special day. 

 

In what I was reading, it said that we self-sabotage because we feel like we aren’t good enough and don’t deserve the love and gifts given to us. I agree with that. Especially when I eat unhealthy for days at a time, I always feel like my life is spiraling out of control and that every choice I make in life is a bad one. That is probably why I am obsessed with watching Shamelessright now. (Almost done with Season 9, but there are 10 on Netflix, and then I’ll probably start it over since I haven’t seen the first three seasons in several years.) This family of six kids who live on the poor, Southside of Chicago, with the oldest daughter raising the rest of her siblings because their Bi-polar crack-head mom is never around and the dad, who they do see often, is constantly drunk and always looking for ways to get disability checks. 

Me, being “a rich girl”, but wishing we were living paycheck to paycheck, and actually having to eat pasta, peanut butter sandwiches with rice and beans every day is so dumb. Raise up your hands, woman! Praise God for the amazing, pretty easy life He has given you.And it doesn’t have anything to do with deserving either, I don’t think, because all the kids in Guatemala and the Philippines aren’t bad. They don’t deserve to be poor. This way of thinking that my brain comprehends as normal is all messed up! Also, I am weird and really like the small, pinky-finger sized hole in our bedsheets. I feel like it justifies us being on a budget and as long as Michael isn’t talking about needing new bedsheets for $150 or however much they cost. I feel like I would always skim by on the minimum if I lived alone. 

At the Duck Pond with Emma

 I am posting these on my blog instead of Emma's since Michael said I wasn't thinking clearly on June 21st when I thought it would be a fun idea to have Emma sit near the water of the retention pond to see the ducks in our neighborhood. Due to there being the possibility of an alligator being in the water and suddenly jumping up to eat her. -- It did unfortunately happen at a Disney resort a couple years ago, but that was in a huge lake, so that is way more understandable. And they had signs warning of snakes and alligators there. -- Obviously that didn't happen to Emma in our neighborhood, but I won't be taking her over there again. I was not thinking about this since have never seen an alligator in our area and I'm sure if there was one living in that water, we wouldn't have so many ducks because they would have been eaten first. Whatever. Anyway, here are the pictures. :) 

The main reason I was excited to take her near the water is because I want so badly to take her to the beach, but at that time, Michael kept saying no. However, we are now currently planning to take her to the beach (possibly Daytona since they have packed sand and allow cars to drive on the beach for $20) in October!! I need to say more prayers that it doesn't rain that day. I saw the idea of picking shells to glue to a frame, so I definitely want to do that and hang it up. Emma's first beach trip!! I will definitely post all about that on Emma's blog since it will also have a lot of medical information about how we kept everything clean. Meaning, how did we avoid getting any sand in her trach stoma or in all the nooks and crannies of the ventilator? Michael says we do not have a ventilator cover. I even asked for other parents' tips on the Trach Moms Facebook page on Friday, but nobody has responded. Ugh. There have been other beach pictures posted in the past from those thousands of families in the group, although some of those kids do not require a ventilator and lately Emma hasn't been able to go more than about 20 minutes with sprinting (breathing on her own with only the trach, like she was doing in all of these duck pond pictures). But at least that's long enough to get a handful of great family photos! :) 

Beach, Budget & Buds

I was very excited to be able to spend the day at Daytona Beach with my parents on Monday, August 17^th. It was a great mini trip, which was followed by the next two days in Gainesville, where I finally got to hang out with Sharanya again! But I’ll get to that a smidge later. 

After 14 weeks on the Thousand Dollar Weightloss Challenge with Alex, which we did recently end earlier than planned (it was supposed to go until the end of this month with October 1^stas the final weigh in), I went from 136.8 pounds on May 10^thto 115.8 on August 17th. That’s a 21 pound loss and a $300 win!!! In June and July I lost the required 5+ pounds, but Alex did not reach it, so she had to pay me $150 each time. Those were the rules she made up and I agreed to. Surprisingly, I think I look thinner in these recent pictures than from when I was 112 pounds for the Daytona Beach trip back in September 2018, probably because of doing frequent exercises and a lot of stepping this time. For a few days I got to even got to 25,000 steps! And I was at home all day!! 

While in Daytona, my parents and I also had another great long talk about retirement, pension plans and social security (my current favorite thing to talk to my dad about- he helped me open a Roth IRA account in June), then we ran errands and had dinner at Olive Garden with a very nice waiter who was generous with the Alfredo and marinara sauces and the most chocolate mints I have seen in my life!!  On Tuesday morning we had to be out of the room by 10am

My Sunday weight the other day was 115.0 and I’m still hoping to lose some more, with a goal of 107 by Christmas- or earlier if healthily possibly. **** Thank you to Michael for his amazing dad skills and generous husband skills, which make these mini vacations possible for me.

 

But I am also currently obsessed with talking about “The $500 Budget” that Michael and I started on August 28^th. We started that day instead of waiting until September 1^stsince it seemed easier to start on a payday. On average, according to my math, we will each get $300 in the middle of the month and $200 at the end of the month, but since we started at the end, we get $200 first. I call the amount we get our Personal Pay. This is of course what is left over from our paychecks after all the bills have been paid. Well not officially paid, but I over estimate how much they will cost. Like our last power bill was $308 (yiiiikes!But also normal for our house in the summer since we had to cut our 4 trees down and then our robot baby came home from the NICU two summers ago and she has to be plugged in all day). So for this next paycheck I over estimated it at $320 just in case. 

For the Personal Pay we get that amount is to cover all of our own groceries (Michael and I eat very differently), any stuff we want for ourselves that we don’t need (extra clothes, scrapbook supplies, Star Wars items), plus toiletries –Michael likes the expensive Charmin toilet paper, while I have been getting mine from Dollar Tree for several years – and any bath supplies, as well as budgeting for birthdays and Christmas presents. This is easier for Michael because he doesn’t have any birthdays to budget for now, while I have to budget for my dad’s (September), Michael’s (October) and my mom’s (November). But I already have all of that planned out nicely thru the end of the year! I estimated a total of $350 for Christmas presents this year. I sure hope that is more than enough!!

 

I love talking about my budget because saving my own personal money and prioritizing it really well makes me feel so mature, and responsible, and proud. Plus the extra money we put into retirement (Roth IRA) and back into our regular savings account that we really need to build back up, hence starting a budget again. For the budget, I have Savings and Retirement listed as part of our bills. That’s the way to do it!!  

I have been enjoying the YouTube videos by “Tara Budgets”. I don’t know what she looks like because the videos are only of her hands, money and iPad that she documents her numbers on, but it is soooo therapeutic watching and listening to her count all her money. She is a waitress so she handles almost all of her money in cash. We are not doing that though. We tried it in the past with grocery money, but then Michael wouldn’t remember to carry his cash or he would spend more than he had at the time (with the rest at home) and both reasons made him end up using the credit or debit card anyway. This time since we don’t have a “date fund” in the budget, we will use the cash back rewards we get from using the credit card. I’m not sure how much it will actually accrue. I was hoping for $40 or $50, but so far it’s only at $7. Haha, guess it will be a Wendy’s date! We’ll see where it is on September 30^th.

I haven’t used the credit card yet for my groceries because I have a dumb rule on my debit account that says if I don’t swipe my card 8 times a month, I get charged a fee!! Laaaaame. And I checked, buying stuff online or paying my monthly amount for orphan sponsorship does not count as part of the 8 since I not physically swiping or inserting the chip for those times. But in the past 12 days I have only spent $35 on groceries anyway. Good for me! The other day I wanted to know how much of my Personal Pay I could save between now and the end of the year. I make money sheets ALL. THE. TIME. Or any other type of sheets or documents. It keeps me busy. I estimated more than I thought I would spend on groceries each paycheck, factored in what I would need to hold on to each month for presents, minus the $80 per month to sponsor Mikaella in the Philippines and Jose in Guatemala through Unbound. And I was still left with $450 by the end of the year to put into my own savings, or to use it to buy things I don’t need, which is actually not appealing to me right now. I have a couple cash envelopes like Tara, but definitely not as many since I am leaving most of my money in the bank. But it does make me feel rich getting back a crisp $10 or $20 bill every now and then to hoard away. Even if I get it all out over the next few months, put it in my three colorful envelopes, save it up, and then deposit it back into the bank later to pay with the credit card to get the cash back rewards. It may seem like a weird system, but that’s how I like to do it. My three envelopes are labeled:

1. Personal- new clothes or scrapbook supplies, books I most likely won’t read *eye roll* (I want to be the kind of person who reads books, especially non-fiction, but I’m more comfortably a watch-TV-all-day kind of person), favorite wet ink pens from Dollar Tree, etc.

2. Emma- for buying her cute rainbow or kitty shirts that she definitely doesn’t needmore of, we just need to do her laundry more often! Same with me not needing to buy new clothes. 

3. Toiletries- which is more like fancy bath stuff/ relaxing face masks or pretty scented body scrubs. I should be good on toilet paper and tooth paste for a while. But I get a lot of that stuff for a buck anyway!

Anyway, the answer is $450. That is how much money I will be able to put into these envelopes or my personal savings. At a minimum. I over estimated on what I might spend on groceries, so if I stick to $50 or less per paycheck, then I could actually save $600 by the end of the year!! That money, which I have been saving since last summer, is so I can visit my best friend, Mia, in Denver next year, as well as for two future cruises: One that is unofficially planned for February 2022 with Mia, Lindsey, Tonia, and Sharanya. (Oh, never mind, Lindsey says she is terrified of being stuck on a boat and doesn’t want to be away from her kids, so she’s out!) And the second one being a Disney cruise with my mom and Lou. Aka, the robot baby/toddler! She definitely needs to be “battery powered” (off her ventilator full time) before then though, but that one is scheduled for at least 4 years away (November 2024, for my mom’s birthday). 

 

When I was in Gainesville after the beach day, I went to lunch with my mom at Harvest Thyme and we talked about finances and she helped me create The $500 Budget. I was wanting to put twice as much money into retirement, but my mom said I need to calm down about that and how $400/month is a good amount. And without her advice, I would have been trying to make our personal budgets too tight again. We tried The $300 Budget before (with the cash as I mentioned above), but that didn’t last long. Hopefully this one is sustainable!! We really should have been sticking to a budget since Emma came home from the hospital and Michael was no longer able to work full time, as of July 2018, after my maternity leave was up. We used to make an extra $1,000 per month. Oh well. We have Lou now.