A New Diagnosis

 BPD and Self-Sabotage

I learned a few weeks ago that I most likely have Borderline Personality Disorder. “An illness marked by an ongoing pattern of varying moods, self-image, and behavior. These symptoms often result in impulsive actions and problems in relationships. People with borderline personality disorder may experience intense episodes of anger, depression, and anxiety that can last from a few hours to days.”

I always thought or at least refereed to it as being bi-polar, but I don’t have that because it runs in families and I don’t know anyone who has had it. Plus, after watching Shameless, and one of the characters (Ian) having it, I realized I was not like that; It didn’t have to do with intense rage outbursts. Bi-polar consists of being really “up” and hyper for weeks at a time, and then suddenly not being able to get out of bed for several days. That is not how I am. 

This BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) diagnosis was given to me by a psychologist via a company that was recommended by our marriage therapist. The psychiatrist who prescribed meds (Seroquel, luckily they take insurance so it was free) could only tell that I have a mood disorder, but she wasn’t sure which one, hence needing me to talk to the psychologist/ counselor. I talked to him four times, but then cancelled it this week because he told me that he does not specialize in BPD. The Seroquel and other anxiety meds I got never seemed to make a difference, and Michael and I both felt like I was actually more agitated while on them, so I let the doctor know and then stopped taking those after three weeks. Unfortunately, BPD is something that has to be controlled by myself and there is not a quick fix with medicine for it. The best results come with practice of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, “which teaches four core skills: Mindfulness(I really need this because I rarely focus on the present moment unless I’m at work and keeping busy), distress tolerance, interpersonal effectiveness,andemotion regulation(another big one I need to stop blowing every situation out of proportion).” There is a workbook that I feel like I need, but I am really not big into reading and only stick with journaling for a few days. But 22 bucks seems like a fair price to get my emotional garbage under control for the rest of my life and have a good marriage and a calm, happy life. 

Today I was thinking about how I self-sabotage in life and am constantly making things way (waaaaay) more difficult than they need to be. I stress and worry about sooooo much, usually regarding the distant future, including retirement, and I’m only 33 years old! I’ve got a good 25+ years before cashing in my well-earned checks. Then I looked up and found that it is one of the characteristics of BPD. Makes sense!

 

Main ways I notice that I self- sabotage:

1.    Eating: When I get to a good weight, instead of continuing working hard to keep my body looking great and healthy, my brain tells me that it is now a really good time to go back to eating unhealthy stuff, and to eat a lot of it. I am between 113 and 115 pounds right now, with a goal of being 107 by Christmas, but I’ll never reach that goal if I continue to self-sabotage and literally feedinto the bad advice of my brain and taste buds, and eat a(nother) full box of Frosted Flakes within 24 hours!! Even when I feel like I have control of my weight loss progress, I still feel so… overtaken? Unhealthy eating is definitely a trigger to my BPD, but it’s hard to stop. It is super unrealistic to think that I’ll never eat chips and queso, or pizza and ice cream ever again even though “I could finally be happy” because my brain tells me that eating those foods makes me happy too, and they really do. Michael knows how excited I get each time we order food for delivery or pick up something for a home date. (And we do have 3 upcoming “home dates” planned!) Even if the surge of happiness only lasts in that hour before the food fully digests and my stomach hurts and the guilt sinks in and I weigh myself again. Then none of it felt worth it. That applies more to eating alone (see next paragraph). Nice dates are always worth it. 

2.    Finances: Not that I do anything really bad or impulsive like spending tonsof money, (although earlier this year I spent $200 in April aloneon Pizza Hut delivery just for myself, on days Michael was at work, back when I weighed 135 pounds, but now we are on a budget again so I can’t/ have my priorities more in order) but I put way too much stress on the importance of money.. Thinking things like, “I can’t go home sick or call out of work because we need the money! Also how we will pay our bills in four yearswhen Emma’s medical bills are no longer covered? And how much do we need to save for a second car (I’d want a used car) in two years when/if Emma goes to school? (Michael feels adamant about home schooling her. Less worry about germs or unqualified nurses taking care of her, people who don’t know how to put a trach back in or have any ventilator or G-tube knowledge, etc.) And how quickly can we save that amount?” When I already stress about money how it is now, being able to put some money back into Savings and the Roth IRA that I opened with my dad in June, why I am I eager to get to the years where we could possibly end up in financial struggle? Michael says my favorite word is “responsibility”, and he’s not wrong, but we can still be 90% responsible with financial help, right? Even if we get that super fricken generous help (I call it our “second insurance”) for the rest of our lives?!

3.    Marriage: I feel like I purposely push Michael away. I have had times where I am screaming at him about getting a divorce, but in my mind, all I am picturing is how bad I want to be lying in bed with him holding me because that’s what I really want and need. He has said in the past few months that he doesn’t know how much more verbal abuse he can take. So am I purposely pushing him away to “get it over with”? That way then I’m in control of the relationship? It really seems to be that way. I did that back around the time we had been dating for 3 months, Fall 2009. I was waiting for him to get tired of me. I had not had a boyfriend longer than 3 months before. I assumed it was my expiration date, but instead of leaving when I yelled at him and proceeded to lock myself in my apartment bedroom like a 14 year old girl, he baked me a cookie in the shape of a heart!!!! That is a terrific photo to describe our relationship. I have made huge sacrifices for him too though (California), so I’m not all bad. ;)

4.    Overthinking: I was even stressing the other night about the recycling bin. Asking Michael to break down the four boxes we just got delivered that were still filled with Emma’s monthly medical supplies so the bin wouldn’t get too full later. Like seriously!? Of all the things to stress about.. & I got way too stressed about the “promise” I made for Emma’s virtual birthday party in June, which then led to me getting cranky on her special day. 

 

In what I was reading, it said that we self-sabotage because we feel like we aren’t good enough and don’t deserve the love and gifts given to us. I agree with that. Especially when I eat unhealthy for days at a time, I always feel like my life is spiraling out of control and that every choice I make in life is a bad one. That is probably why I am obsessed with watching Shamelessright now. (Almost done with Season 9, but there are 10 on Netflix, and then I’ll probably start it over since I haven’t seen the first three seasons in several years.) This family of six kids who live on the poor, Southside of Chicago, with the oldest daughter raising the rest of her siblings because their Bi-polar crack-head mom is never around and the dad, who they do see often, is constantly drunk and always looking for ways to get disability checks. 

Me, being “a rich girl”, but wishing we were living paycheck to paycheck, and actually having to eat pasta, peanut butter sandwiches with rice and beans every day is so dumb. Raise up your hands, woman! Praise God for the amazing, pretty easy life He has given you.And it doesn’t have anything to do with deserving either, I don’t think, because all the kids in Guatemala and the Philippines aren’t bad. They don’t deserve to be poor. This way of thinking that my brain comprehends as normal is all messed up! Also, I am weird and really like the small, pinky-finger sized hole in our bedsheets. I feel like it justifies us being on a budget and as long as Michael isn’t talking about needing new bedsheets for $150 or however much they cost. I feel like I would always skim by on the minimum if I lived alone.