the Best Me I Can Be, Part II (Mommy Edition)

>> This post was written on Wednesday, July 27th, but probably won't be published until later, due to my "secret challenge" that you will read about later in this post. :)  

   Here is Part 1 of "the Best Me I Can Be", a little less than four years before I became a Mommy with a tiny baby in my arms. Part 1 was from when Michael and I were living in California and I reached my lowest weight since probably middle school!? So proud of myself for that, even if that low weight (102 pounds) only lasted for about a week. I still stayed around there for a good amount of time.

  I have been wanting to write this for a while, especially since I appallingly hit my highest weight of 152 (vomit) around my 35th birthday. I actually debated putting it on Emma's blog since she is in most of the pictures, but who are we kidding, this post is about me, so it belongs on my blog. 152 is 17 pounds more than when I was pregnant/ at my previously highest weight before she was born. There should never be more fat from food on my body than when I was growing a child (even if she was small), with placenta, amniotic fluid, extra blood, and everything.

*And please note that all these bold words link to other posts, either on this blog or Emma's blog. :)

   In May 2020, my best friend from work, Alex, and I started a challenge because we both needed to lose weight. At that point I was 136 pounds (which I am almost at again right now). The challenge lasted until around the end of August I think before she was bummed that I kept losing weight and she wasn't. On August 31st , 2020, I weighed 117 pounds. Luckily for me, I still have all of this documented on my phone calendar. September 2020 was an average of 115 pounds with a note in the middle of the month two days saying I was binging on Frosted Flakes. And a week later I ate eight Toaster Strudels- haha, yikes!! On Halloween I weighed 111 pounds. Yay! That was a great day!

See the alligator?

 

  On the morning of November 14th, I was frustrated that I weighed 113 pounds and couldn't get motivated to keep losing weight. Yet, right now (at the end of July 2022), I sure wish I weighed 113 pounds!! I did meet up with a co-worker, Jenn, that morning in November and we walked eight miles together, so that was good. And my lowest that year was 108.6 on November 24th with a note that says, "with muscles, did some exercises yesterday". 

  I started taking much needed depression medicine (I thought I needed anxiety meds, but whatever) on December 17th, 2020 and they helped me so much, which was surprising considering it's only 10mg. I was having so much stress with work and getting into all these unnecessary arguments with Michael and talking about divorce all the time (I was the one always bringing that topic up, not him, because it felt like the only option in my constant state of stress). I was having terrible, unsafe rage episodes- I was scaring myself. That immediately stopped once I was on these meds. I am so thankful for them!! Although, I recently learned that they make some people (like me) not care so much about certain things and I think one of those things was my weight. Even though I still always care about being skinny, it made me not care enough. Which is how I recently let myself get to 152. (Cringe!) I even convinced myself that my options were either "Skinny and Stressed" or "Heavy and Happy". But I want to be "Happy and Healthy" all of the time! And I desperately need to figure out how to make that happen.

  Here are some "Skinny Mommy" links for pictures I have already posted:

  *Pool party with Emma, October 2020

  *Thanksgiving with my parents, November 2020

  *Christmas, December 2020

   The first few months of 2021 were nice because since I started the year off at a perfect weight, so I stopped weighing myself and didn't worry about what I was eating anymore.

   The next weight I have documented in my phone after that is several months later on April 1st, 2021- 117 pounds. That's not bad. I still usually look okay up until around 120 pounds. If I'm exercising, at least walking, it's better. May 8th - 122, after our Hilton Head trip. July 19th - 126.6, August 9th - 133, September 1st, started getting acid reflux at night because of my weight, September 20th - 138 pounds.. okay you get the point! And you know it only gets worse from there. 

the next three photos are while we were in Hilton Head!

I'm not adding any photos in this post past July 2021.

  What the heck, this post should have been called, "This Best Me I Could Be.. Until I Wasn't!"
This was supposed to be a post all about how skinny I got in 2020 and how I'm going to get skinny again by the end of this year and then be a hot skinny mom again FOREVER!!! I've created a bunch of lists on Amazon with cute clothes and pretty jewelry and different styles of shoes- everything that I'm going to buy once I'm "slim and trim" and look so fashionable. Things I can't wear now because they don't look good on me, or I have "body dysmorphia", thinking I could look good in something and try it on, but then realize that I still need to lose 30 more pounds and that is so disheartening!! I love when it's the opposite and everything looks so good on me and I have to narrow down what I want because I can't spend that much money, but I still take pictures, wearing everything because I'm such a beautiful narcissistic mirror model! *pose, pose, pose, smile, pose*

   Right now I am doing a "secret challenge" to lose as much weight as I can between now and August 20th. Today is Day 3. This is a secret from my parents mainly (I have told a handful of friends) because my parents have not seen me since my birthday when I was 152 pounds. My mom understandably asked Michael if I didn't care about losing weight anymore. I do, I promise that I do! I am trying to keep my food to mainly veggies, fish, chicken, and fruit. And I have been doing a few exercise videos on YouTube every day. Last night I did 210 squat variations (from a *30 Day* Challenge on Pinterest- yeah right, I was proud of myself for getting through one day!) and then I literally had to hold onto both railings when going down the stairs to take our dog outside because I felt like my legs were going to give out. Going back up was fine. I'm hoping to be 127 pounds by August 20th, but we'll see. Oh, that day is special because I'm meeting my parents at a fancy resort for the weekend, and I want to look way better/toned in my swim suit than I did last month. *eye roll* And I'd really love to be 109 by Christmas again- or sooner! Fingers crossed! :)

   I'll write another progress post in a couple more months.

Here's a random skinny picture of me and my niece, Peyton, from 2016 I think. Even though we are making Christmas sweater cookies, I am going to assume this picture is from September that year, because she looks like the exact age from >> this family photo shoot. Nope.. actually she looks younger than that. So maybe it was from earlier in the year? But definitely older than October 2015.